


I Lost a Friend

by jordamn



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Gen, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Not A Fix-It, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:26:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27355720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jordamn/pseuds/jordamn
Summary: Bucky had confessed once, on a quiet night in Wakanda.“I’m afraid Steve. I’m so… fucked up, so different. I get so scared you’re gonna get tired of it. Get tired of dealing with my bullshit. I’ve more bad days than good and it ain’t fair to you.”Steve had lied straight to his face, even if Bucky hadn’t known it at the time, smiling softly and saying, “I’ll never get tired of you Buck. Not in the ‘30’s, and not today. Yeah you’re different but so am I. Till the end of the line, right? And your bad days are… well, they’re still good to me. Cause you’re here. And so long as we got each other, it's a good day in my book.”--After Steve leaves Bucky processes some things.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Sam Wilson
Kudos: 25





	I Lost a Friend

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by, but not based on "I Lost a Friend" by FINNEAS
> 
> Ambiguous ending but Trigger Warning for implied major character death, discussion of/referenced suicidal thoughts.
> 
> This is not Steve-Unfriendly since he doesn't do anything that isn't canon, but it's definitely not Steve-friendly either.

Bucky wondered if this was Steve trying to get even. Bucky insisted on being put back in cryo, then Thanos dusted him (not exactly his fault, but regardless;) Steve had lost Bucky more times than Bucky lost Steve so… was it time Bucky got his comeuppance? 

Sam was mad. That’s fine. Bucky would be too if he wasn’t so damn… tired. 

And, honestly; sad. 

Bucky couldn’t talk to Steve. He couldn’t. The visible signs of age just an unignorable neon sign flashing: ‘HE CHOSE TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU’. 

Sam got past the betrayal by always repeating, ‘He didn’t abandon us, he just went back to Peggy.’

Bucky was there. Yeah, sure, Steve and Peg flirted but they really hadn’t known each other long enough, seen each other often enough, for that to be Steve’s motivation. No slight to Peggy, Bucky just knew Steve wasn’t so smitten as Sam wanted to believe. 

The fact of the matter is… 2023 sucked. It was a shitty time for Steve to be alive. The poor guy had to process the deaths of Stark and Natasha, deal with his half brain dead best friend, the trauma of those 5 years during the blip... The clean-up and recovery following the blip, which as Captain America would surely fall partially on his shoulders. It was a lot to deal with. And there apparently wasn’t a soul alive in 2023 to make it worth sticking around for. 

Bucky had confessed once, on a quiet night in Wakanda. 

_“I’m afraid Steve. I’m so… fucked up, so different. I get so scared you’re gonna get tired of it. Get tired of dealing with my bullshit. I’ve more bad days than good and it ain’t fair to you.”_

Steve had lied straight to his face, even if Bucky hadn’t known it at the time, _smiling softly and saying, “I’ll never get tired of you Buck. Not in the ‘30’s, and not today. Yeah you’re different but so am I. Till the end of the line, right? And your bad days are… well, they’re still good to me. Cause you’re here. And so long as we got each other, it's a good day in my book.”_

How dare he. How dare Steve talk him off a ledge then leave him perched there, precariously, alone. 

Bucky couldn’t talk to Steve. The hurt was still too raw. He didn’t want to ask Steve how the last _80 years_ without him had been. He didn’t want to hear the answer when he asked if Steve had even bothered trying to save Bucky from Hydra all those 80 years. He didn’t want to let the hurt spill out of him, just to what? Make Steve feel guilty? This was a decision the guy made 80 years ago. Who was Bucky to dig that back up and throw it in his face. 

-

Bucky can take a fucking hint. 

If Steve wanted to talk to Bucky, he wouldn’t have wedged 80 years between visits. 

Bucky gets it. 

_I get so scared you’re gonna get tired of it._

Bucky got tired of it too. He gets it. 

Bucky rationalized going back into cryo when Sam tore a strip off him for it. Sam was mad then too. 

_“I want to fuckin’ off myself, Wilson, got it? And I don’t mind tellin’ ya that because you wouldn’t be able to stop me anyways. I’m the goddamn winter soldier, if I want to kill myself it’ll damn well happen. But I don’t wanna do that to Steve. So I’m going into cryo, because it’ll be an easier pill for Steve to swallow than findin’ me hanging in my bedroom.”_

And to Bucky it seemed fair. So Bucky isn’t allowed to be mad now that Steve left. At least Steve hadn’t killed himself, right? Could be worse. 

-

When Bucky started getting his mind back, he didn’t want to recover. When Sam would talk about how there’ll be ups and downs, Bucky decided he didn’t want to bother with either. 

Shit ain’t ever so black and white when Steve Rogers is involved, though.

Steve went through so much damn trouble to get Bucky back, what right did Bucky have to throw all that away? 

Did Steve have that right?

Bucky couldn’t talk to Steve. He didn't talk to Sam. He listened to Sam, though, and god did he ever feel bad for the guy. Threw away his career, left behind his family, became an international fugitive for Steve. Put up with Bucky’s bullshit for Steve. Didn’t even gett’a say goodbye. 

Sometimes Bucky was mad for Sam. And Sam would get mad for Bucky. Maybe Sam was a little messed up too. 

“Steve’s worried about you, Barnes, you should talk to him.” Sam said one night. 

And the next night. 

And the next…

“Us talkin’...” Bucky shook his head, “It’d just hurt us both. Best we leave it with one of us happy, yeah?” 

-

“I’m worried about you, Barnes, talk to me, man.” Sam said one night.

And the next night. 

And the next…

“I lost my best friend in the world, Wilson, let a guy grieve okay?”

“He’s not gone. He wants to see you.” 

“You’re just makin’ it worse.”

“Barnes.”

“I gotta go.”

But then where the _fuck_ was Bucky supposed to go anyways? 

-

Another night, “You can’t stay mad at him forever. He’s… he’s only got so many days left, and he wants to see you before he runs out.”

Bucky just smiled wryly, “I ain’t mad, Wilson. He’s gone 80 years not seein’ me, he’ll be fuckin’ fine to wait another week or two.”

Sam frowned, “Will you, though?”

“I gotta go.”

-

Steve Rogers has always had a flair for the dramatic and a bit of a vindictive streak but Bucky didn’t think he was trying to get back at him or nothin’. 

It took awhile but Bucky finally accepted that somewhere along the line Bucky tied his own happiness to a scrawny runt who liked to draw. And Steve’s plan to finally prioritize his happiness just didn’t happen to include Bucky. 

Bucky wondered if he’d imagined this unbreakable bond they allegedly had? Did it annoy Steve back in the day? Was he always so clingy and co-dependent? 

-

Till the end of the line.

Last stop, time to get off. 

Been a hell of a ride, pal. 

_JB Barnes_

  
  



End file.
